…so I'm 25.

I wasn't dreading this birthday. Every year as I get older, I feel a little more content, a little more confident, a little more satisfied...an endless amounts of a little more. So I can't help but think its going to be like this every year, than I can't help but welcome getting older.

I know some people don't care for birthdays but I have become a fan. Growing up I learned that my parents never had birthdays; my mother didn't even know when her birthday was. They were just too poor, and with 11 kids in the family it wasn't a priority. It wasn't until my mom went back to visit Vietnam years later that she found out through my grandfather when her actual birthday was. So I think because they weren't able to celebrate their birthdays, my mom and dad always made sure we at least a cake and presents. Christmas, Easter, and all the other holidays were never a big deal growing up. My parents were Buddhist so North American holidays were strange to them. They didn't understand or know about decorating trees, cooking turkeys, or hunting for eggs. Nor did they really care. But birthdays were always special.

So here I am 25 and I ask myself... what's next? What have you learned?

Well I learned that although I don't have my dream job nor do I know what that is, I don't give a shit. The past 5 years I've had this internal battle with myself, what do I want to do? I need to find a job where I'll be happy, successful, blah blah. But really I just don't know, just because I have a satisfactory job and not a successful career it doesn't make me any less of a person. I might always just have a job but it will afford me the basics in life that I need. Because what I want cannot be bought or found in a non existent dream job.

I want to be a good person. I want to realize my full potential in every aspect in life. I want to look in the mirror and really believe I am pretty. I want to be able to look at someone who has hurt me and feel only forgiveness. I want to smile more. I want to memorize every inch of my parent’s faces. I want to see my sister love herself. I want to see my brother grow into a good man. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to know more. I want to make sure the people around me really know and feel loved by me. I want to feel motivated. I want to remember more. I want to anticipate more.

I've also learned that regrets and what ifs and taking it back is not for me. I've made my share of mistakes and I continue to do so but from it all I have learned and I am learning more about myself. I believe that I will always strive and mean to be a good person, but unfortunately might do something bad. I also have learned that I would never go back a change a thing.

As most of you know I have a medical condition of which I have to wear a wig. I don't really explain it to people much anymore, because I realized why the hell should I have to. It's not something that defines me and it's something that shouldn't change your mind about how you feel about me.

I have alopecia, my hair follicles are attacked by my white blood cells, and therefore my hair falls out. I've always dreaded telling people, new friends, boyfriends, co workers. For years I hated myself, I thought I was ugly and I would have done anything not to have alopecia. I was very lucky growing up; I had a solid group of friends that supported me and didn't care about my hair. But it still wasn't enough for my self esteem. I was so convinced that nobody would ever fall in love with me because I was so ugly. And so at 13 I decided to start putting more effort in making myself a better person, I would have to love myself if no one else could. I thought if I was weak on the outside, at least I could be strong inside. It was near the end of grade 12 I started to smarten up. I started to realize that I needed let go of feeling ugly, that being strong inside would never grow to its full potential if it was held in by a weaker shell. So after years of medicine, creams, blood tests, shots and herbal remedies, I stopped it all. I shaved my head, and bought a wig.

So now when I'm asked if you could change that about yourself would you? I thought about it, I could erase the years of kids teasing me, wearing hats, not being able to look at myself in the mirror. But then I also have to ask myself was it really that bad? I know of women whom have battled cancer, I've had family survive the Vietnam war, my parents were boat people, they survived being attacked by pirates. How could I with such a small problem even think it's even justified to change? No I would not.

Because of it I realized the importance of love from those around me. My friends and family loved me regardless. Because of it I am not scared of taking chances or being hurt, it scares me more that I might miss the opportunity of love than the loss of it. Because of it I never depended on a relationship to complete me, I never sought completion with another person. I am fortune to be in love with someone, and him with me. He is the one standing next to me, we support each other. A relationship whether with a man, my friends or family has the same level of importance to me. The love is so strong all on its own, its not there to fill me, but it adds so much more to what I already have for myself and yet to what I have to find. But there is no soul mate out there to complete me and he is not my other half. I learned early that my other half that needs to be found is me.

And so I could go through an endless list of what’s next for me. But what’s next... to really fall in love with me. Really let go of my inhibitions, insecurities and just be.

A birthday, it's the day you were born, butt naked and unaware. And every year when that day passes by you, you gain a little more awareness and hopefully stay just as blissfully naked.

p.s I wrote this naked.

I have this fear of the dentist,so I have managed to be an idiot and put off going for 4 years. Meanwhile enduring cavities and the coming of my wisdom teeth. The reasons I hate the dentist:
- I hate the feeling of someone prying around
in my mouth
- I can't stand the music the play
- I always get scolded because I don't floss
- I hate the needle that freezes your mouth
- I hate the grindy thing that puts the yucky paste on
your teeth
- I cannot stand when dentists ask me questions
while examining my teeth. I cannot answer you crazy!
My mouth is wide open and you are picking my teeth
with a sharp metal stick!
And so Joe had made me an appointment with his dentist because he was sick of my moans of pain,and it wasn't that bad. Instead of bad music there was a tv in the ceiling and I got my own headphones. So not only was I asked the usual questions while my mouth was open but when my headphones were on as well.So at the end of my check up and cleaning I find out I have $2100.00 worth of fillings, and a mouth guard to get. And then I have to get oral surgery for my 4 wisdom teeth and thats going to cost more.So the moral of this story, don't be a stupid ass like me. Floss and go to dentist!


So I went to a friends bday on saturday. It was mexican themed and I was supposed to wear a crazy shirt. So I made a shirt with velcro letters that you could move around. Tiffany had a shirt with feathers all over it, she looked crazy. There was a pinata,pin the tail on the donkey, and yummy food. Oh and yummy drinks. And so of course I got piss drunk, had a nose bleed, puked and passed out on the couch. And I was the only one who was that drunk, I even surpassed the bday girl who had to zip up my pants for me because i was bleeding and drunk. Way to go me!

So in my last entry I said I saw the world's biggest testicle!!! You know how beautifully twisted your friends are when they comment on your sentence structure and medaition retreats and not on the worlds biggest testicle!!! Come on it was huge!!! And it was way bigger than the other one, and I was told it weighed half a pound. Ok, I'm done.

I really have been at a loss for words lately. In conversation,my journal, my thoughts. I need to go to one of those mediation retreats where you don't speak a word for two weeks. Maybe then I could muster up something interesting to say.

I've been snowboarding lately, and I actually really like it. I fell on my ass alot in the beginning but now it's not so bad. Plus Joe is doing it too, so it's really nice to have a hobby we can share.

I have knee problems,I don't know how to spell what my doctor says I have but they hurt and I'm taking prescription pills that make me feel grouchy.

I went to a sleepover at Tiff's last weekend and it was fun.It was pink themed, she decorated with pink balloons and streamers. There was cranium, and tons of food, and of course I had to bring Pretty in Pink. We had to each make a alcoholic drink, but our host decided to make 3 strong martinis plus jello shooters. I know the sleepover was a ruse to get me all liquored up so it would be easy to take advantage of me. Honestly the alcohol wasn't really necessary the cupcakes would have been enough to convince me. And no we did not have a pillow fight in our panties, although I did give all the ladies matching thongs.

I went to my good friend Justin's 25th bday this past Saturday. That was fun. I love his girlfriend, she is so sweet. She had compiled all his childhood photos, and went to all his good friends to videotape a favorite moment we shared with Justin. She spent 5 months making this amazing dvd for him and we all got to watch it and laugh at ourselves. And frankly I sound freakin weird, I just can't believe that's my voice. I also saw the worlds biggest testicle.

December 2005

the 15th: I went to see The Shine On at the Backstage lounge.Geoff,Ben and the other guys,(I feel so bad I don't know their names) were great. I love watching shows, even more so when I can be there to cheer on my friends.My favorite moment was when I turned to look behind me and Goeff and Christa were standing and holding each other before he went on.I took a picture.My least favorite moment would be when I went to order drinks at the bar and I ordered a beer for Tash, which was the one on special.I was't sure how to pronounce it Stella something, so I instead got all flustered and tongue tied and asked " Can I get umm a coke and ahhh um the beer thats special?" Yeah I'm an idiot.

the 17th: Went to Tash's family/friends christmas party at her dad's shop. I love her family, they are so fun. My favorite moment of that night Tash's dad pulling her up to go dance with him, they were all alone on the dance floor but it didn't matter because they were having so much fun. My least favorite moment was when I was eating this huge rice crispie square and Mr.Zarin (tash's dad) pulled me up to join a celtic square dance thing.I don't mind the dancing, but I had a rice crispie square hanging out my mouth! I looked like an idiot.

the 18th afternoon: I had a work christmas party in the afternoon at the Cloverdale horse racing track. My favorite moment would be me at the buffet. I love endless amounts of food. But also Joe winning 80 bucks was good too. My least favorite moment would be me losing the 80 bucks Joe won.

the 18th evening: Later that evening we had a dinner at the Macaroni Grill, Mae and I had planned to go earlier than everyone else because we had made party favors to put on each persons place setting. But somehow of course we were late. Favorite moment:once again all you can eat,and everyone enjoying themselves.Least favorite moment:My cleavage being the hot topic of the night,Justin saying to me,"have you always big boobs?".

the 19th: A surprise christmas present form Kien to me,Mae,and Liezl. She took us to our first musical at the vancouver playhouse called A Little Night Music. It was really good, and fun. Favorite moment:the whole night was a thoughtful surprise.Least favorite moment: the night ending.

the 23rd: My friend Nicole was back in town for christmas and had planned a night for all her friends to come out and visit at the Mirage it being local and all. I of course was running late, and if I wanted to get in would be waiting in line for an hour.Favorite moment: Giving the bouncer my id and running in to give Nicole a hug and a apology. Least favorite moment: Well frankly the Mirage.

the 24th: Joe and I went to Mae's for dinner, which was a wide array of yums! Turkey, crab, salmon, prawns, and so much more. Favorite moment:Livening the party with my karaoke kung fu. Least favorite moment: a dog that Mae was taking care of threw up on her.Poor Mae, lucky Diem.

the 25th: We went to my parents, they really don't celebrate Christmas but we still get my brother presents. My family well we like to sing karaoke.Poor Joe.My sister, then me, then my dad singing in vietnamese.
But in the evening it was a quiet christmas with just me and Joe. He made us dinner,and we watched movies.Favorite moment: My brother loving all his gifts. Least favorite: none.

I had some nice surprises this christmas, a beautiful email from Kevin, my brother made me a vase in art class, the musical from Kien and a necklace from Joe. I feel like such a special girl. Everything came at the right time because I came close to really wanting this month to disappear but all my favorite moments and surprises made the ending for 2005 perfect.
So those were my moments in december. Thank you all for being apart of it.

I barely got out of my bed this weekend due to my broken head. So all the cleaning, errands, Christmas shopping was put on hold so I could lie in bed and whine about my headaches.

December is the worst month to work in the mall. It never fails the insane amount of people who all have to shop at the same time, the same people who hunt for the closest parking stalls to the entrance, and the never ending line ups. It's been 8 years that I have worked in this or some form of mall and I've worked 7 out 8 Christmas seasons. And frankly it's hell. And if I hear one more person complain about snow, I am going to spit in their mouth. It's winter what the hell so you expect to happen? Umm what I said about the spitting was gross I apologize for the rudeness, but frankly I meant it so therefore I cannot delete it. Sorry.

So I went to Tash's creative writing journal launch a couple weeks back with Kev and Angela.It was so great to see Tash running around,excited, and organizing things. She also read one of her poems, which happens to be one of my favorites. I am so proud of you Tash, you are a fantastic writer.
We went to Shine after, danced and drank (which I really needed to do). I think besides being drunk and dancing with one of my favorite dance buddies, the people watching was the best! Especially watching a guy flapping one arm like a wing as he bounces up and down,to a beat unknown to us all.

My little sister is in Vietnam right now, a birthday present from her boyfriend. I miss her.

I was shopping for christmas presents for our friends kids, and there is soo much stuff out there for kids. The toys are soo much better than from when I was a kid.I just can't believe the amount of things out there, SpongeBob,Dora the explorer,The Bratz, Disney,I barely knew where to start. But nothing beats my Jem doll. She was truly outrageous.

For the first Halloween ever I did not dress up. I decided to stay home and eat sundaes.

My Morning Jacket was soo amazing.They just keep getting better everytime I see them.

Matt Good was awesome, but what really topped the night is seeing my friend drunk, his eyes full of love watching his man perform.Oh and also the singing along was perfect,Kevin.

I was downtown last week with some friends for a birthday,standing on Granville and a guy walking by yells at me,"Hey Cibc Surrey!". Cool.

That same night we had come downtown in a party bus that had a stripper pole in the middle of it. It was like a reminder for me to keep on with my dream of pole dancing.

I had a sleepover with my ladies this past saturday. It was full of jello shooters,Sex in the City,eating and the hot tub.I also had discovered that men really want to believe that when women have sleepovers it means we are having some huge lesbian orgy. Sorry to disappoint but what we really do is wear our ugliest but comfortable pj's, take off all our makeup, watch cheesy tv, and eat fattening but tasty food.Much more sexier than girls having pillow fights naked.

Now if Angelina was a member of my sleepover,I might have a different story to tell.

The Killer's concert was awesome! Except for the thousands of teenage girls wearing pink Killer's baby tees. But the concert was good, but we had the most annoying guys sitting behind us, they kept shouting things like "light up the Killers sign!","amazing! they're really good, I 'm going to buy their cd!", and they sang or should I say shouted along to the songs. But I tried this stuff called Dole whip, which is like ice cream. It was sooo good!

So I don't know if anyone knows this about me, but I like to learn and use cliches. But my problem is screwing them up. So the other day Joe was taking me to pick up some pants that I went to get hemmed, and he asked me why I was going to this particular place and not the place I used to go to. So I said "ProStich was ripping my leg off, and the place is much cheaper." He says "What does that mean? Do you mean it cost you an arm and a leg?" At first I wasn't sure where I had heard that cliche, but then I realized later that I had combined "it cost an arm and a leg" and " being ripped off".

I had planned a surprise romantic birthday for Joe yesterday. I had got him to go to a friend's house, while I made him dinner. Which may not sound like much but I do not cook,in the 5 years we've been together this would be the 2nd time I had made him dinner. So friday Mae and I went to superstore and picked up the groceries, which I had decided to do a seafood theme. I gotten king crab legs, shrimp for the fettuccine alfredo, bacon wrapped scallops,cheese garlic bread, and a fruit flan for the birthday cake. I hid everything at Mae's house, and the plan was she was going to come over and help me. So on I had set up the table with candles, and flowers, etc. And the cooking had went well. Joe was very surprised he had thought I was ordering dinner from a restaurant.But he had said everything was very good. Except the crab was rotten! I noticed it smelled kind of strong, but I didn't know how it's supposed to smell! Oh well.

I went to a year end work party, the theme was tacky oscars. I got this dress at vv, it was royal blue and black, with lace,and it was pouffy, with a train and a bow on the ass.I'll have to put some pictures up when i get them.It was hot.

Joe's mom,Linda came over for one weekend to stay with me while Joe was away fishing. One night we stayed up until 3am watching Monster in Law, and talking. She also helped me hang up pictures.I love her, she is so sweet.

I've seen History of Violence, and Waiting. Got to love guns, and men playing with their balls.

Joe and I went to Kelowna for thanksgiving. He was drunk the whole time, and I was drunk from food.

I was sick all last week, some throwing up, fever,headache, runny nose,coughing action. Sorry to anyone who caught this plague from me.

I'm going to the Killers this week, then taking my brother to his first concert Metric (all ages at the commodore, I asked Joe if I showed the bar my id could I get a drink? Joe looked at me with the all familiar I can't believe you just asked me that question, are you crazy and stupid but you are just too cute look and said, "If they let you order a alcoholic drink, then there's no point of having an all ages show, they would let minors in the regular show, and not let them drink." Oh yeah that make sense.Ha ha.)
Then in November there will be My morning Jacket and Matt Good. Yeah!

We dropped Joe's cousin Rochelle off at Ubc yesterday, where she resides in building called cedars, or elm, or maple, or something. Anyways she lives in the basement,and shares her room with an annoying cookie thieving girl. As Joe and I walk through the hallway of blue doors, which are covered in a collage of pictures and drawings,stickers,ect. The best door art was a 8x11 colored construction paper of your name and a big pretty sticker of a butterfly,which every lucky door adorned 2 of.Joe's first comment was," It looks like a fuckin elementary school". But what was most noticeable is the freaking smell!, it was body spray, and laundry soap,and basement mold all at once.Joes 2nd comment as we left,"It fuckin stinks down here!"

Joe's birthday is tomorrow, he is turning 28.Ha ha.He also has white hair.

I went to visit my parents yesterday, my mom told me I looked funny.She then giggled and walked away. Thanks mom.

Once again I have not been keeping up, but really not much has been happening.

My birthday has come and gone and those who know and know me well, know how much I love birthdays. Not just my own but everyones. So this year my birthday was full of eating and passing out on a full tummy and not from vodka.

I went to a few dinners with friends,and for one the nights we went to the chocoholic buffet at the sutton place hotel. It was soo good it was bad. A long table covered in cakes,pies,mousse,tarts,cream puffs,fondue,crepes, and ice cream. It was enough to send us in this mad frenzy of heaping our plates one after the other. I had such a good time. Afterwards we filled the night of light drinking and dancing so hard that it made the damage we did to our bodies earlier at the buffet almost ok. Then for the long weekend Kien,Tash, and Mae had planned a surprise mini trip for my birthday. I had received a list of what to pack and when we were leaving. So the girls took me to Portland so we could shop ourselves to death. It was so fun ,even the 25 stops we made to go to the washroom. So my birthday was awesome and I couldn't have been more happy and grateful to all of you that came to watch me stuff my face and spend all of my money. But in all seriousness though, there was this moment when we were all sitting around the table I felt so overwhelmed. I saw all of your faces, and realized how truly luck I am. I know I had attempted to make a silly mushy speech but had failed because frankly I am not an articulate woman. I was quoting Napoleon Dynamite and using every opportunity to say beef curtains all night.

But anyway what I wanted to say is thank you to all of you. Whether you are a friend from junior high, a friend from work, a relative, a friend I met through a friend or a boyfriend. You are all so different from one another it is amazing,all the beautiful qualities and skills you all have. To see most of you sitting at the table together it made me see what you all have in common. You are all good people, genuine and loving. I am a better person because of all of you, for all the inspiration, the support, the laughter and of course the love you all give to me. If you see any good in me it's what I get from each and every one of you. I thank you for every smile, argument, every tear, laughter,dirty story,and clumsy moment. Thank you for making my birthday special each year.I hope you all know that every year I celebrate how lucky I was to be born into a world full of all of you.